Why can't she be happy for me? Why can't she embrace this as an opportunity for things to change? Granted, we'll be really short of money and will definitely have to do without some things that we've come to expect, but why does that have to be the end of things? Why can't it be a way to get back to basics, to rediscover what everything means? I'm going out on a limb here because everyone is so pessimistic it's driving me crazy and slowly dragging me down with them. Does she even care what she's doing to me, to us? Or is it always going to be about her? I feel like it's the millionth time I've whined about this, but I'm so sick and tired of worrying about this, of stressing out because nothing I do is good enough and it never will be, I understand that. But then, why is it so hard to let go of it? Why can't I just forget about pleasing her and get on with everything else? Is it because she's my mother? Because she's supposed to be there for me no matter what, but hasn't been since I was twelve? Because she blatantly told me that she holds no obligation to me whatsoever anymore and I hold none to her? Tell me why. Please, because it's killing me and I hate it. I wish it weren't because all I want is for my life to be my own and not anyone else's. Is that such a bad thing? Is it so impossible that this is what I should be giving up on instead of her?

What's her validation to the fact that she's killing him from the inside out? Why does she try to hurt him so much when he'd do anything for her? Why can't she see how much he loves her, despite all the bickering and yelling? It's always been about her and it doesn't change when he walks in. He just wants us back together again, how a family should be, hoping that the stress level will go down once all this is over. Is it scary that she's all but given up? Not only on trying to help us all from drowning in today's economy, but also on being a mother, a wife?

How is it that she doesn't need a reason to be pissed or stressed or sad, but God forbid you be anything other than content with your life, with how the world is? You know, I would love it if life were perfect. Okay, scratch that. I'd probably hate it, because struggles are what make you who you are, but, honestly, for something to go right for once would be great. Sometimes it's hard to pretend that everything's going well in your life when, in reality, everything that seems to be able to go wrong does go wrong. Sometimes I wish I had someone to lean on, and I mean truly lean on because my judgment has always been wrong. I can't confide in my family and the only friend I can confide in hasn't so much as spoken to me in many years. I've tried to find a friend who would care enough to listen and not pity or change their view of me, but, apparently, none seem to exist. And if I do find one, they slowly drift away until they're no longer there.

Something's gotta give.

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"I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." - Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris"

"When I'm all alone, and no one else is there, waiting by the phone, to remind me I'm still here. Where shadows paint the scenes, where spotlights used to fall, and I'm left wondering, is it really worth it all?" - Creed, "Inside Us All"